Harnessing the Power of Emotions in Communication

Relationships can be hard sometimes.  According to Sue Johnson, world renowned attachment expert, we are all wired to want someone who is responsive, available, and engaged when we need them most.  Moments when for whatever reason we can’t reach out with a clear message or our partner is not able to respond to us can create distress in the relationship.  The resulting emotions can be very intense. However, the power of emotions is that they can also provide valuable insights into how to reconnect with our partner or how to heal past wounds. 

Caitlin and Thomas: A study in the power of emotions.

Let’s look at an example of the power of emotions with a couple we’ll call “Caitlin & Thomas” who once again get caught up in their negative cycle:

Caitlin has been staring at the wall for the past thirty minutes- she almost feels numb.  The events of the last hour swirling around her mind.  She can’t figure out how things escalated so fast.  Once again she yelled a bunch of things she now regrets at her husband, Thomas.  

The first part of the night was stressful, but it’s always stressful with two young kids.  She had made herself feel better by counting on him being home to help her right at 6:00 – that’s when he said he would be home.  And then she waited, and waited, and waited.  No call, no update, no help until he walked in around 7:00.  By then she was exhausted and on the verge of tears. “Where were you?” she asked angrily.  

When he was met by this question, this wave of emotion, he felt a drop in his stomach and an anxious feeling of “here we go again.” Predictably, he made space from it and he minimized it.  “It’s not that big of a deal!  I had a meeting that ran late.”  And that in turn, set her off.  It seemed to escalate so fast and suddenly she yelled, hurling insults at him.  He disappeared into his office and she was left there. To feel so much anger over the unfairness of it all. To be alone with the shame of her behavior.  

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.  One of the top reasons that clients come in for couples counseling or relationship therapy is to improve their communication.  They find themselves going around and around on the same issues and seemingly getting nowhere.  No one feels heard, maybe someone gets angry or someone shuts down, the argument is over and maybe later they’re able to talk it through but most likely they find their way back to each other without really having resolved anything. 

Yet underneath all of the talking, the yelling, the shutting down, all that miscommunication, lurk things that are so potent that they have the ability to transform relationships. Behold the power of emotions.  I hear people say that they wish they could have conversations from a simply logical place without all of those pesky feelings. Yet the power of emotions is that they can provide a roadmap to help you find your way out of some of the vicious cycles you and your partner may experience.

6 ways harnessing the power of emotions can help improve communication with your loved ones:

1. Begin to recognize primary and secondary emotions. Often times when we are having an argument, what we show our partner is just the tip of the iceberg.  There are secondary emotions that can be more protective – like anger or shame. But  primary emotions can be more tender – like sadness or fear.  The secondary emotions can come on so quickly that we have a hard time recognizing that primary ones are there.  But sharing  the more tender emotions or at least knowing that they are there can lead to a richer conversation.  
2. Emotions fuel behavior. What do you do when you feel angry? Sad? Lonely?  How do you protect yourself? Oftentimes this protective behavior is exactly what triggers your partner.  Tapping into the power of emotions and getting clear on this may help you and your partner come up with a different response.
3. Primary emotions build connection and intimacy. We literally were not meant to do this thing called life alone – we have evolved to need each other. Have you ever had the experience where a friend or loved one or even a colleague shares something a little vulnerable and you recognize some of yourself in what they say?  Sharing emotions helps us not to feel alone in the world.  
4. Owning your part. Your partner can’t make you feel an emotion but you can own your experience.  Oftentimes naming your own emotions, even secondary emotions,  can be hugely regulating for your partner – it means they don’t have to try to read your mind.  It helps you both feel safer.
5. Appreciate the intensity.  Sometimes I think it’s helpful to reframe the intensity of your emotions.  They are intense because you care about your partner, because they matter and them “getting” you matters. 
6. Touching into your internal world.  Your emotions are what make you YOU!  The way you respond to a trigger may be completely different from another person.  Knowing your emotions helps you advocate better for yourself and hold more empathy for others.  The power of emotions here is that they give your partner the opportunity to really know you.

What exactly are emotions and why are they helpful?

When the body responds to an external or internal stimulus the brain interprets those bodily sensations and creates emotions.  Emotions played a major role in our evolution. They were adaptive and helped us detect threat and survive by responding to a constantly changing environment. The power of emotions made us move toward other humans with happiness or sadness – important bonding elements that were also essential to our survival. Emotions are both necessary and powerful.

Additionally, emotions are created based on past experiences.  Let’s take a closer look at our couple, Caitlin and Thomas.  Caitlin grew up in a home where her father was not reliable – when he stayed out late, he would often come home drunk and angry.  As a child, the whole family would start to feel the dread – it was palpable – when he stayed out late.  This dread and panic would be felt in her body as her heart beat increasing, tension in the chest, a pit in the stomach.  

In the present day, when Thomas doesn’t come home on time, it feels familiar, her body responds in the same way.  Her brain recognizes these sensations and understands that she’s feeling dread and panic.  Her nervous system is responding as if she has time travelled to the past.  The power of emotions from taking the time to observe herself in these moments offers up a huge path toward healing from inter-generational trauma.  It could help her regulate, stay in the present moment, and possibly provide her with a new corrective experience – we are hurt in relationships but we also can heal in relationship. 

Six tips for when you feel powerful emotions come up in a conversation with a loved one:

1. Notice it!  If you’re noticing that you are triggered, you’re halfway there!  That’s when you tell yourself to go slow, get curious, take a break (responsibly) if you need to
2. Tune into your body. If you’re having trouble noticing when things are getting intense, notice what’s happening in your body.  That’s your key!  Are you anxious? Can you feel your chest tighten or your mouth go dry?  Are you completely numb and shut down?  Put a hand on your chest, take a deep breath.
3. Name the facts. Try to share something objective.  For example “You said you would be home by 6:00 and I noticed that you didn’t come home until 7:00”
4. Try not to blame.  Utilizing the power of emotions requires taking responsibility for your emotional response. Try to share what you’re feeling without the blame.  You can even say something like “I know you didn’t mean it, but I felt scared and frustrated that you didn’t call to tell me you’d be late.”  Blame often results in defensiveness – meaning that your message will be lost. 
5. Share something new. Coming back to primary and secondary emotions, what do you usually share?  Do you usually cry and share how alone you feel?  Do you usually get angry and ice them out?  Can you share something new, something you don’t usually share? 
6. Seek therapy. There’s nothing wrong with getting a little guidance in your relationship.  These are interesting times in that we have never before wanted so much from our romantic partners.  Past generations were mostly happy with the stability that marriage offered.  Now there are so many different configurations of relationships and we want stability, happiness, connection, great sex, and excitement.  Most of us understandably didn’t have great examples of relationships like these in our families.  If, despite trying to be more emotionally tuned-in, you still find yourself and your loved one going around and around in arguments, don’t hesitate to seek counseling. 

When we respond to our triggers it sometimes feels like our pasts, our emotions, and our families of origin have us in their grip.  There is a lot of power to be found in tuning into ourselves and making new choices. 

I want to leave you with a favorite quote from Viktor E. Frankl, the renowned psychotherapist, philosopher and Holocaust survivor. Frankl wrote about people’s search for meaning and connection with agency in their lives. 

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” – Viktor E. Frankl

Applying this wisdom to our interpersonal relationships, I would add that in that space lies our emotions as well.  The power of emotions is that they can be the guide to our growth and freedom, oftentimes releasing us from the pains of past relationships and inter-generational trauma.